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The funny thing about depression is how it is such a slow creep. Everything on TV, in movies, and even on the internet makes it seem like it's like lightning. It just crashes into you and everyone knows and sees it, even you're aware of it on some sort of scale. But the truth is depression is nothing like that. It's not lightning. It's the eventual wear and tear on the wire in the fuse box. Sometimes lightning will cause it to burn out and bust, but usually it's just time. Time makes it fall apart, and you find yourself staring in the mirror, or looking at what you used to love...and there's just nothing there. Some friends point out that you "act funny" and your mom on the phone constantly says "you're not the Raye I used to know." And of course they're right, they're not saying this to hurt your feelings or anything.
But that doesn't change the fact that the wire is still burnt out. And you have no idea how to fix it. And you love your job and your friends and even the things you used to love, but there's this wall. Every time you call a therapist and try to find one to help out it seems that they're all booked up, or they don't call back, or your insurance actually doesn't cover that therapist or it won't completely cover the cost of the sessions... So you sit there, holding the burnt out wire. Of course you know it needs to be fixed. Yes you've tried a lot of different ways to do it yourself. Hell, you've tried things online that you know won't work but maybe the placebo effect will kick in this time.
It doesn't. The placebo effect only works when you're heads in the game too, you see. You fucking knew that too, stupid psychology major.
So you sit at a crossroads and try to make plans, and you want them to work, but enacting them is hard. There's a lot of ways to fix a problem, but not all of them are right for you, which makes this whole damn thing more frustrating. You just want to have that "fixed" moment you see in movies, on TV, or read in books. The truth of the matter is this: There is no moment where you are fixed.
And you know this.
Which makes it worse.
In the end, his ramble is meant to answer a lot of questions and give me a way to conceptualize what my neurochemistry has done to me. I am trying my best y'all. I just want to do better.
I'm trying to be better.
But that doesn't change the fact that the wire is still burnt out. And you have no idea how to fix it. And you love your job and your friends and even the things you used to love, but there's this wall. Every time you call a therapist and try to find one to help out it seems that they're all booked up, or they don't call back, or your insurance actually doesn't cover that therapist or it won't completely cover the cost of the sessions... So you sit there, holding the burnt out wire. Of course you know it needs to be fixed. Yes you've tried a lot of different ways to do it yourself. Hell, you've tried things online that you know won't work but maybe the placebo effect will kick in this time.
It doesn't. The placebo effect only works when you're heads in the game too, you see. You fucking knew that too, stupid psychology major.
So you sit at a crossroads and try to make plans, and you want them to work, but enacting them is hard. There's a lot of ways to fix a problem, but not all of them are right for you, which makes this whole damn thing more frustrating. You just want to have that "fixed" moment you see in movies, on TV, or read in books. The truth of the matter is this: There is no moment where you are fixed.
And you know this.
Which makes it worse.
In the end, his ramble is meant to answer a lot of questions and give me a way to conceptualize what my neurochemistry has done to me. I am trying my best y'all. I just want to do better.
I'm trying to be better.
A Long Wait!
Hello all! First of all, I wanted to apologize for my extended absence. I've been a bit snowed under as a high school teacher during COVID-19 times. There's a lot more work I need to do seeing as my school decided to go with a synchronous model. In my off hours I haven't even had the energy to play mindless video games, let alone write. I'm scheduling myself daily writing time now! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up the habit, that way I can finish off my current Chronicles of Dru projects, start a couple others @DrMistyTang and I have chatted about, and write more for myself. Just to keep you updated: I've finished my first novel! It's getting close to being publishing ready, and once it's on the market you guys will be some of the first to know. I hope you'll be as excited as I am! If any of you are interested in my novel, I'd love to share bits and pieces on here. Thanks for all your love and support over the years. I hope to make us all proud. :heart: Grimmy
Goings On!
I figured I would keep this journal a little more active since I've become more active on the site again.
First and foremost, I hope all of you are safe where you are and have everything you need. I know these are trying times, and I sincerely wish for the best for all of you. I'm fine, and still employed since I'm essential being a teacher and all. Being a teacher also means teaching online, which is difficult with the population of my school, but I'm managing. It's been leaving me a bit more time to write, hence all the goings on!
A Favor for the Baker really has taken off! I'm so glad that you guys have been enjoying it. Rest assured, we
One Year Later
Just about, really. My last update on my journal was in, like, June.
So, as a lot of you guys noticed, I kind of went dark on here. The first half of this year has been a lot. As some of you saw, my maternal grandfather died in August--right on my mom's birthday. It wasn't expected, so it hit me pretty hard. Then, as some of you won't know, I participated and won NaNoWriMo this year! I love this new story so much that I'm actually in my first round of edits, and hoping to take it to publishing this summer/when the world pandemic is 100% over. And finally, this year has just been a lot. I am a middle school teacher in my real life, and this y
The Sunlit Crypts!
Hello all! Sorry for the long day in explaining myself. *DrMistyTang (https://www.deviantart.com/drmistytang) basically pulled me into the project, and not long after I went on vacation to ISRAEL! So I never had a moment to sit down and chat.
I am back! And you all need to thank the fantastic sisters :icondrmistytang: and :icondrzime: for getting me here! They invited me into their project The Chronicles of Dru and it has reignited my writing and my love for storytelling. I actually have a lot written, but I am uploading it piece-meal in order to not overwhelm the sisters, since they have LOVINGLY AND FANTASTICALLY offered to illustrate the story. There wi be more in the futur
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