No Cunning Title

3 min read

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GrimReapette's avatar
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The funny thing about depression is how it is such a slow creep.  Everything on TV, in movies, and even on the internet makes it seem like it's like lightning.  It just crashes into you and everyone knows and sees it, even you're aware of it on some sort of scale.  But the truth is depression is nothing like that.  It's not lightning.  It's the eventual wear and tear on the wire in the fuse box.  Sometimes lightning will cause it to burn out and bust, but usually it's just time.  Time makes it fall apart, and you find yourself staring in the mirror, or looking at what you used to love...and there's just nothing there.  Some friends point out that you "act funny" and your mom on the phone constantly says "you're not the Raye I used to know." And of course they're right, they're not saying this to hurt your feelings or anything.

But that doesn't change the fact that the wire is still burnt out.  And you have no idea how to fix it.  And you love your job and your friends and even the things you used to love, but there's this wall.  Every time you call a therapist and try to find one to help out it seems that they're all booked up, or they don't call back, or your insurance actually doesn't cover that therapist or it won't completely cover the cost of the sessions...  So you sit there, holding the burnt out wire.  Of course you know it needs to be fixed.  Yes you've tried a lot of different ways to do it yourself.  Hell, you've tried things online that you know won't work but maybe the placebo effect will kick in this time.

It doesn't.  The placebo effect only works when you're heads in the game too, you see.  You fucking knew that too, stupid psychology major.

So you sit at a crossroads and try to make plans, and you want them to work, but enacting them is hard.  There's a lot of ways to fix a problem, but not all of them are right for you, which makes this whole damn thing more frustrating.  You just want to have that "fixed" moment you see in movies, on TV, or read in books.  The truth of the matter is this:  There is no moment where you are fixed.  

And you know this.

Which makes it worse.

In the end, his ramble is meant to answer a lot of questions and give me a way to conceptualize what my neurochemistry has done to me.  I am trying my best y'all.  I just want to do better.

I'm trying to be better.
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